His Past and Present
by Rachel Carter McKenzie
Summary: PG-13 to cover my butt. A Series of 'one shots'. Glimpses into Ryans past when certain moments happen with the Cohens. Please Read and Review.
1. Brothers

This is for all the people that reviewed my Paint the Silence story and wanted me to continue with more glimpses into Ryan's past. This is a series of 'one-shot's' where Ryan thinks back between his past and present when certain moments happen with the Cohen's. I am making them 'one shots' so this way if I can't continue with them you're not left hanging. Ok on with the story(s)!

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Ryan has been with the Cohen's now for a few months. Even though he loved living with them he was always worried that they were going to kick him out. His mom had kicked him out a few times but the last time she had meant it. He called everyone but no one took him in for the night. He figured his mom would cool off like she always did and let him back in. Who knew that his call to Sandy Cohen would land him staying here.

Ryan was sitting with Seth playing some ninja game he didn't know the name of on the playstation. Ryan smiled to himself. Things were certainly different then. His brother never sat with him and played games. Ok so they couldn't afford a video game system but they stopped 'playing' when Ryan was six. The only thing Trey did was take him to parties where people got drunk and stoned. Ryan never got it. He could see this at home the only difference here was that 90 percent of the time people didn't hit him at these parties like he would be hit at home. Most of the time at the parties he would go off and hide out in an empty room or closet just to stay out of the way. There was still that 10 percent of the time where a guy at the party would spot him and accuse him of something and start beating on him.

Ryan remembers one of the parties Trey took him to. Ryan was ten and Trey was 14.

"It will be fun Ry. You'll see." Trey said and walked in to the house first. Ryan looked around and saw kids drinking and doing drugs and some were making out. He saw Trey take a beer from one of his buddies. "Want some?" He asked Ryan. Ryan took a sip and tried not to make a face. Trey smiled. "Don't worry you'll get used to it." Trey said. Although Ryan wasn't sure if he wanted too. He looked around to see if he could spot anyone his own age there but wasn't surprised when he didn't. Most of the kids were taller then him and most by a good foot, foot and a half.

The party went on and Ryan was getting bored. He was standing by a table playing with a couple of tops from beer bottles. He wasn't thinking about much, just kind of in his own world. Some one came up and grabbed his arm.

"Hey!" Ryan yelled out and he looked up to see a guy about 17, holding his arm and the guy was a good two feet taller then him. "Let me go!"

"Shut up! Give me back my shit!" The guy yelled. The music was blaring to the confrontation went pretty much unnoticed.

"I don't have anything of yours!" Ryan yelled back. The guy backhanded him across the face. Ryan didn't make a sound. He knew making noise gave them satisfaction.

"Give me back my dope!" He said again. 'Great' Ryan thought 'The guy thinks I have his drugs, I'm gonna get so beat up.' Ryan knew from his experience from his father and now mother's current boy friend that when a druggie thinks you stole their drugs you are in deep shit.

"I swear I don't have it!" He said again. The guy he didn't know hit him in the stomach and then in the face. By this time the people in the room caught on to the fight, well the beating Ryan was taking.

"Hey leave him alone!" Ryan heard someone yell. He looked to his side quickly and saw it was Trey.

"What's it to you?" The guy asked.

"That's my brother." Trey said.

"Well he took my stuff." They guy said and hit Ryan again. Trey was now next to them.

"No he didn't. Your buddy next to you took it!" Trey said and pointed to the guy on the other side of Ryan. The guy looked at his buddy and dropped Ryan. Ryan hit the floor with a thud and saw the guy shake his buddy down. Sure enough the guy had taken the drugs which pissed off the big guy so the big guy began too beat his buddy up. Trey picked Ryan up and got him to his feet. They walked out of the house.

"Sorry Trey. I didn't mean to ruin your fun." Ryan said looking up at his brother.

"It isn't your fault kid. Let's go get some ice for that eye." Trey said and they began to walk home.

It took them about five minutes to get home but when they got there they heard yelling inside the house.

"Shit. Fighting again." Trey said. "Let me go in and get ice and come back out here." He said and Ryan nodded and sat on the old chair on the porch. Ryan listened and heard Trey being yelled at.

"Where's Ryan?" He heard his mom yell. 'Whoa she noticed I was gone.' He thought to himself.

"He's out front mom. He is fine." Trey said. Next thing Ryan knew his mom's boyfriend; Darren was his name, came out the front door and hauled Ryan by the arm into the house. Darren pushed Ryan on to the couch.

"Ryan baby! Are you ok?" He heard his mom ask and come over to him.

"Yea I am fine." He said trying to keep an eye on Darren.

"You have troublemakers for kids. Punks." Darren said and Dawn didn't defend her kids she just sat there and rubbed Ryan's arm. "I'll teach them." Darren said then again picked Ryan up by the arm.

"No! Don't!" Dawn said but Darren didn't listen. Darren grabbed Trey's arm as well and dragged both boys to the back bedroom. He threw the boys down with tremendous force and took off his belt. Trey stood in front of his brother. Darren swung the belt and it connected with Treys side. He winced but didn't make a sound. Dawn was banging on the door that Darren had locked. He hit Trey with the belt again then reached forward and pushed Trey on to the bed and began to beat him. Ryan yelled for him to stop but that only made Darren move on to him. About 10 minutes later Darren got tired and passed out drunk on the bed. The two boys slowly got up. Both were bloody and bruised and they walked slowly to the door and opened it. Dawn was sitting beside it crying. She looked up when the door opened.

"Oh my babies. I am so sorry!" She cried. It was the same thing every time. The boys walked past her and in to the bathroom to clean up. That night it was hard to get to sleep. Both boys were hurt badly and it hurt no matter how they laid on the bed.

That was one of the worst beatings Ryan had ever gotten. Two beatings in one night. Ryan laid in bed with silent tears running down his face. He wasn't making a sound. He didn't want to face Darren again and his brother had just fallen asleep. He wiped the tears from his face gently and winced in pain. He finally passed out from the hurt and pain.

"I Win!" Ryan was brought out of his thoughts by Seth's voice and he looked up to see that Seth beat him. Seth began to do a little dance and Ryan chuckled. He didn't have to worry about getting beat up here. He didn't have to worry about coming home and someone kicking his ass. Ok so he had to worry about the occasional water polo jock but he could take them if needed.

In the back of his mind he worried about being kicked out if he screwed up bad enough and he didn't think that fear would ever go away but for now he was safe and he would try not to screw up.

"Rematch?" Ryan asked.

"Hell yea lets go!" Seth said and restarted the game. As weird and spastic as Seth was, Ryan liked having him as a brother. Ryan smiled.

"Game on!"

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Ok that was the first one shot..... I hope you like it and will review. Reviews give me inspiration to write more. Thanks!! 


	2. Motherly Love

Ryan and Kirsten were sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch. Seth was with Summer and Sandy was at work. Kirsten was looking at some plans for a new model home. Ryan was looking on while eating his sandwich. Kirsten was explaining to him what the plan was and where they were going to build the new homes. 

"Would you like to come with me to see the construction of these homes?" Kirsten asked smiling happy that her foster son was interested in the same thing she was.

"That would be great!" Ryan said, his face lighting up with a smile.

"Ok next Friday we will go and take a look." She stated. Ryan smiled inwardly too. He was happy that Kirsten had grown to care a lot for him, possibly love him, he wasn't sure but he knew she cared a lot. She has been more of a mom to him then his own mother.

----Flashback-----

A 12-year-old Ryan was sitting in his room. He was curled up on his bed listening to his mom and her newest live in boyfriend, Damon, fight. Both were pretty plastered, which in his experience, wasn't good. Ryan was just tying to stay out of the way so he stayed in his room hoping that the two adults in the other room would forget he was there.

"I bet you one of your no good kids took my stash!" Ryan heard Damon yell. 'Shit' Ryan thought 'He thinks we have his drugs which means he will come in and search our room' Trey was out with some friends so he wasn't going to be help. Ryan got up and opened the window to climb out and leave but didn't quite make it. The door to his room was banged open and there Damon stood.

"Where do you think your going you little shit?" Damon yelled and Ryan tried t o jump out the one-story window but was grabbed by Damon and pushed him to the ground. Ryan saw his mother by the door telling Damon to leave Ryan alone but of course he didn't listen.

"Where is my stash?" Damon slurred.

"I don't have it.' Ryan said back calmly. He knew yelling back wouldn't help the situation. Damon started to tear up the room but coming up empty. Ryan stood back up looking for a way to get out.

"Where is it you fucking piece of trash!" He yelled again towering over Ryan.

"I swear that I don't have it." Ryan said trying not to show his fear. Damon then hit the 12-year-old in the stomach. Ryan bent over clutching his stomach and trying to catch his breath. He looked up at his mother pleading with her to help him but she had stopped telling Damon to stop and just had tears running down her face. She made no move to help her youngest son. Damon kept yelling at Ryan but he didn't listen to the words. Damon then began to beat Ryan up. Ryan made a few grunting noises but never cried. Crying only made them hit harder and he wouldn't allow them to have the satisfaction of making him cry. No, right now he wouldn't cry. After a few minutes Damon got tired. The alcohol was making him tired. Ryan watched from the floor as he stumbled out of the room. His vision was a little blurry but he saw his mom coming over to him and he wanted to move away from her but his body wasn't listening. She took him in her arms.

"I'm so sorry baby." She slurred crying. "It won't ever happen again." She said and Ryan wanted to laugh. She said this every time he was beat up by one of her men but at the same time he wanted to believe her. A few minutes later Ryan heard Damon call his mother from the other room and felt his mother leave him. She closed the door behind her. Only then was when Ryan cried. He cried for his mom, he cried for himself, and he cried for the life he was forced into.

The next morning he woke up and was surprised to find he was in bed. He tried to get up but was met by sharp pains in his mid section and his left arm. He also noticed that his face felt a little swollen. He groaned.

"Hey little brother." Ryan turned to face the voice and saw his brother Trey. "I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you last night." Trey said and Ryan noticed the guilty look on his brother's face. He helped Ryan get up and Ryan didn't say a word. He nodded at his brother and left to use the bathroom. As Ryan limped over to the bathroom he was kind of surprised he didn't mess himself. After he was finished and was happy there was no blood when he went, he knew from past experiences that THAT was not good at all, he ventured into the kitchen to get a drink figuring his mom and Damon were still passed out.

"What happened to you?" Ryan jumped at the voice. People REALLY have to stop doing that to him. He turned to his mother ad looked at her like 'You have got to be kidding'.

"You don't remember?" He asked in disbelief.

"No." She stated simply.

"Damon thought it would be fun to use me as a punching back last night." Ryan shot back. Dawn stood up and moved towards Ryan. Ryan backed up a little and wrapped his arms around his stomach.

"Oh Ry." She said sadly. Ryan actually thought for a second she would be on his side but that quickly changed. "What did you do to piss him off so much?" She asked.

"I...I didn't do anything mom!" He said back shocked that his mom took this guys side.

"Don't talk to me like that!" She said back angrily. Ryan looked down. Getting a drink had been forgotten. Trey came in to the room.

"What's wrong?" He asked. He was answered by a glare from his mother. Trey knew what happened. "Wait you believe that guy over your son!" He said angrily. Ryan looked up at Trey.

"I don't need this!" Dawn yelled and Ryan jumped slightly. "You two think you can gang up on me?" She said pouring some whiskey into a glass. Ryan tried to remember the last time she went a day with out drinking. "I don't want to talk to you boys today. Stay out of my sight!" She said sitting on the couch and turning on the TV. Ryan and Trey looked at each other then scouted the kitchen for something to eat. Coming as no surprise to them, there was nothing to eat.

"Let's go. I know where we can get some food." Trey whispered and they both left the house. Ryan still had his bloodied clothes on but didn't want to stay in the house any longer. They walked to Jason's place, a friend of Trey's, where Ryan got cleaned up and where they both ate. Jason said they could stay the night, which both boys were happy to accept.

The next afternoon the boys returned home to find their mom passed out on the couch.

"I bet she didn't even know we were missing." Trey said sadly. Ryan shook his head and headed to his room to change. The bruises on his body were still dark but were beginning to get that yellowish color around the edges of them to show they were beginning to heal. His face wasn't as swollen but the black eye and split lip were very visible still. Good thing it was summer, he didn't want to have to explain this to teachers.

The rest of that week Ryan spent dodging Damon and avoiding his mom. That Saturday Ryan came home to find his mom sitting at the dining room table looking at bills, sober. She looked at him and he tried to make a b-line to his room.

"Ryan honey, I'm sorry." She said and he just looked at her. He knew that part of her meant it but he knew it would happen again. It always happened again.

"Yea." He whispered still not moving.

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Ryan blinked his eyes and tried to listen to what Kirsten was saying. Some times the flashbacks hit him at t hat weirdest times.

"Ryan honey, are you ok?" He heard Kirsten ask.

"Yea...yea I'm fine." Ryan smiled, embarrassed.

"You kind of zoned out." She said.

"Yea." He laughed. "Flashback." He said.

"Want to talk about it?" Kirsten asked hoping the boy would share. Ryan looked down thinking about it. He looked up again.

"Just thinking about my life now compared to before." He said. Kirsten waited for him to continue. But Ryan just looked back at the plans. "So you want to put the archway here?" Ryan said pointing to a spot on the plans, changing the subject. Kirsten didn't push him and they continued to talk about the new development.

An hour later they heard Sandy and Seth come home.

"Well we can finish this tomorrow." Kirsten said smiling and Ryan smiled too. He reached over and touched Kirsten's arm. She looked up confused.

"You're a great mom. I wish you were mine from the start." Ryan whispered before Seth came in and dragged him up to his room to talk about Summer. Kirsten smiled. That little comment meant a lot to her because it had to be really hard for him to say.

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More? Please review.

Sorry this took so long. I was on vacation in Canada.


	3. Father Figure

Ryan sat at the kitchen island on one of the barstools. He was scared although he didn't show it. He had his head down and was looking at his hands, which were crossed on the counter. He was waiting for Sandy and Kirsten to come in and start yelling at him. Part of him was scared that they would hit him as well. 'I fucked up big this time.' he thought mentally kicking himself.

He had just gotten caught breaking in to the file room so that he could prove that Oliver was crazy. So far all it had gotten him was in trouble. Big time. But what hurt more then being in trouble was that no one would believe him.

He looked up through his hair as Kirsten and Sandy came walking in. Kirsten went to the counter and got a cup of coffee then held her arms close to her body and began to sip it. Sandy was just standing there and Ryan knew that Sandy was trying to figure out where to start.

"What were you thinking Ryan?" He started and Ryan was surprised at how calm his voice was. "What you did was illegal! I had to do some heavy talking to Dr. Kim so she wouldn't report it to your probation officer!" Sandy said and his voice started to raise with each sentence.

"Ryan, why would you do such a thing?" Kirsten asked in a soft tone. Ryan looked at her for a second then looked down.

"I needed to help Marissa....Oliver is unstable." Ryan said with desperation in his voice. Pleading with someone to believe him. He grew up with people like Oliver and he could sniff them out in his sleep.

"Yea maybe he is! But now you're the one who could be expelled!" Sandy said now yelling. Ryan flinched. Yelling was always a bad sign and he knew that Sandy would never hit him but there will always be something inside of him that will tell him yelling is bad and protect yourself. Ryan looked back down at his hands again.

"So what? Are you going to kick me out now?" Ryan said softly. Sandy leaned in putting one hand on the chair and the other on the counter. Ryan felt he was to close but couldn't back away.

"Don't you get it? You are part of this family. No matter how bad you screw up but I'm gonna make you wish we kicked you out!" Sandy said and left the room. Ryan looked over at Kirsten and saw the disappointment in her eyes. She then went off to follow her husband. Ryan felt himself relax. They weren't kicking him out. He got off the stool and made his way to the pool house. He plopped down on the bed and sighed unsure of what to do.

"Ryan! What did you do?" Ryan looked up from his homework and saw his dad at the door of his room.

"What?" He asked confused. His father came in and towered over the 10-year-old boy.

"You fucking took my money to get shoes!" His father yelled.

"Mom gave me the money." Ryan said fearfully.

"That's not what she says!" He yelled again. Ryan wasn't going to win this argument. His father was drunk and money was gone. His father reached out and hit Ryan across the face knocking him off the chair and his homework off the desk.

"I WANT YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE!" His father yelled. "I don't need my own kids taking from me!" He yelled again then hit Ryan again. His father beat him up then literally tossed him out of the house. Ryan got up off the ground and limped out of the front yard. He had to decide where to go. He didn't have many friends because he was quiet in school and the other kids thought he was weird so he really didn't have any one to call. So he headed to the park which was a block away from his house. He limped over to what was left of the swing set clubhouse. It was no bigger then five feet by 8 feet and it was rotting and had some holes in the wood. There was graffiti on the inside and out where the older kids had tagged it. He crawled inside and tried to keep himself warm. It could get pretty cold in February even in California.

The next morning he went back to his house hoping that they would let him back in. When he got there no one was home. He decided to take a quick shower just incase they came back and said they still wanted him gone.

After getting showered and changed he limped into the kitchen hoping to find something to eat when the front door opened. He froze and looked over to where he saw his mother coming in to the house. She saw him.

"Ry, honey." She said softly. Ryan knew something was wrong. She always talked like that when something was wrong. "Your father has been arrested for robbing a store." Ryan was torn between sadness and happiness. Sad that his father was arrested because it was his dad but happy because he could never be hurt by him again.

Ryan didn't realize a few tears had escaped his eyes. When he came out from his memory and realized he had been crying he didn't get mad at himself like he normally would instead he let himself cry. He had been bottling it up for so long and The Cohen's being mad at him had broken his wall. Why wouldn't anyone believe him? No one ever did.

A few days later Ryan was proved right when Oliver went nuts and pulled a gun. Part of him was saying 'told you so' to everyone but the rest of him was still saddened that no one believed him. Even though he was no longer suspended and his grounding was lifted, he didn't feel like leaving the pool house. So he laid on his bed trying to figure out what next. There was a knock on his door.

"It's open." He said void of any emotion. Sandy walked in.

"Hey kid." He said and sat on the chair across from Ryan's bed. Ryan sat up and put his back up against the backboard of the bed and curled his legs up to his chest. He really didn't want to talk to Sandy but he didn't turn the man away.

"I'm sorry. I should have believed you. I let you down." Sandy said sadly and Ryan looked up at him. His ears must be messed up because he thought he just heard Sandy say he was sorry to him. It threw him off.

"It's..uh..it's ok." Ryan said confused.

"No it isn't. You saw it and we didn't." Sandy said. "I should believe my own son, I mean that's what I should have done but I was so mad that you tried to do it on your own and didn't come to us.... I am really sorry Ryan." Sandy rambled buy Ryan didn't fail to hear 'I should have believed my own son' part. "How can I make it up to you?" Sandy asked. Ryan thought for a long moment not really sure of what to say.

"You...you really think of me as your son?" Ryan asked softly. Sandy got up and sat next to Ryan on the bed. He looked at Ryan.

"Yes Ryan. I do and always will." He said and Ryan could tell by his eyes that Sandy meant every word of what he said. Ryan looked away for a second then back to Sandy.

"I think you already did." Ryan said.

"Did what?" Sandy asked confused.

"Made it up to me."

"Ok lost me Ryan." Sandy said and Ryan chuckled.

"You already made it up to me." Ryan said and then added "You think of me as your son. I really couldn't ask for anything more." Ryan finished and Sandy couldn't help it and reached out and took Ryan in to a hug. This time Ryan fully accepted it and hugged Sandy back.

For the first time in his life Ryan had a real father. One who cared about him and didn't kick him out no matter how bad he fucked up. He has gotten lucky and he knew that no matter what happens in the future, the Cohen's would always believe him.

What do you think? Like it? Hate it? Review and tell me! 


	4. Worthless

"YOU'RE WORTHLESS!" He was used to hearing it but that didn't mean it still didn't hurt. It always hurt more when it came from her though. She was his mother. She wasn't supposed to think or say that. "YOU CAN'T DO NOTHING RIGHT!" She yelled again. Drunk. He stood there with his head down looking at his hands.

"What? Did he fuck up again?" He turned to the voice and saw his mom's latest boyfriend coming through the door. He glared at the man. It was none of his business. He stopped caring what her boyfriends said to him. They didn't mean shit to him. But when she said it, it really hurt him.

"Yea, the school called. Something about a fight and shit." His mom slurred. He hated when his mom would tell the guy of the week what was going on.

"Huh, guess you are worthless." Her boyfriend said. Steve, yea he thinks the man's name is Steve. He looked at the man's shirt. Yep, his name is Steve. Got to love the gas station uniforms. Name right on those dingy uniforms.

"Shut up Steve! This is none of your business!" He yelled and Steve looked at him angrily. Now the man was twice his size and he instantly regretted opening his mouth because the big man grabbed his arm before he could react.

"You have a smart mouth on you Ryan. You need to learn to control it." He said then hit Ryan in the face. Ryan heard hit mom say 'leave him alone' but of course the man didn't. And dragged the 13-year-old by his arm into his room where he proceeded to beat the crap out of him. His mom to drunk to stop him or even care. "You are such a piece of shit Ryan. You won't amount to much." Steve spat after beating him up. 'Yea like you made it big' Ryan thought from the floor as he watched Steve leave the room.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Ryan walked in to the house after school. He saw his mother in front of the TV with a drink in hand. She was already plastered. He put his books down and went in to the kitchen to look for food, not surprised when he saw nothing but beer in the refrigerator and liquor in the cabinets. He sighed and went into his room. He went to his room and looked under the bed. He pulled out a box and opened it. He pulled out a 5-dollar bill and put it in his pocket then put the box back under his bed.

Ryan walked out of the front door and down to the corner store. He bought a sandwich and a soda and headed home. He walked though the door to find that Joe was there. His mother's new boy friend. He tried to make it to his room but failed.

"Hey what do you have there?" He said taking the bag from Ryan.

"That's mine! Give it back!" Ryan yelled. Joe just laughed.

"Thanks for the food kid." He said and sat on the couch. Ryan went over and grabbed the sandwich out of the man's hand before he took a bite.

"I said this is mine!" The now 14-year-old Ryan said angrily. He didn't pay with his own money to have some asshole take it from him. Ryan then ran out of the house and Joe was close behind. Ryan saw a cop car and so did Joe so he stopped chasing Ryan. Ryan looked back to see that Joe had stopped and was walking back. He sighed in relief and headed to the park to eat his food in peace.

He returned to the house a few hours later hoping they were asleep. As he walked up he noticed his bedroom light wasn't on meaning Trey wasn't there. 'I really hope they are sleeping' Ryan thought to himself and walked in. His wish wasn't granted. There on the couch was Joe who looked up when he heard the door open. Ryan turned to leave but Joe caught up with him on the porch.

"Not so fast little shit!" He said grabbing Ryan's arm and pulling him back into the house. "You worthless piece of trash. Taking my food!" He said pushing Ryan in to the house. Ryan noted that his mother was no where in site. Joe came at him fast and hard. He hit his head and his world went dark.

He woke up sometime later with extreme pain in his arm. He opened his eyes to find he had been thrown in his room and was on the floor. He slowly got up and took a survey of his body. His left arm was defiantly broken, his head hurt badly and he didn't have to look in the mirror to see he was bruised and cut. He got fully up and looked out the window to see it was still dark. He looked at the clock and it read 1 am. He cradled his left arm and limped out of his room to find Joe and his mom passed out on the couch. He quietly left and walked down to the free 24 hour clinic. No one there asked him too many questions and the ones they asked, he lied for.

At about 3 am he left the clinic with a fresh white cast and stitches in the back of his head. He told the people he got jumped and since it wasn't the best neighborhood, they believed him.

The next morning his mom asked what happened. He told her and all she said was "If you didn't steal his food, it wouldn't have happened." Ryan just looked at her like she had 2 heads. He still couldn't believe that she would side with some guy and not her own son.

Later that night, as usual, she was drunk and stoned and she began calling Ryan names again. He went into his room and shut the door. He couldn't listen to her any more.

IIIIIIIIIIIIII

"Ryan. Wake up sweetie." Ryan opened his eyes slowly. That wasn't his moms' voice. "You're going to be late." He looked over and remembered where he was. He saw Kirsten grabbing some clothes for him.

"Hey Kirsten." He said sleepily. She smiled at him and came over to the bed.

"The new model home is being debuted today. We have to hurry!" She said giving him the clothes. He had forgotten about that. He got up and went in to the bathroom to change, happy that he showered before bed last night.

He walked into the kitchen 15 minutes later to see everyone eating at the table. He sat down and took some cereal.

"So are you excited Ryan?" Sandy asked. "The model home is based after your design after all." Ryan smiled shyly.

"You have such talent Ryan. You will be a masterful architect." Kirsten said proudly.

"Thanks." He said softly still smiling a little bit. He wasn't used to this kind of treatment. But he liked it.

"Yea man, you got the mad skills." Seth said putting cereal into his mouth and Ryan couldn't help but laugh and neither could Sandy and Kirsten.

A few hours later they came home from the presentation.

"Wow dude! That house looked awesome." Seth said to Ryan.

"Yea Ryan. The touches you put on that house really make it unique." Kirsten said.

"Thanks but I couldn't have done it with out you." He said back. "I'm going to get changed." He said and everyone said they were going to do the same and he headed out to the pool house. He sat down and took off his tie and his shoes then headed over to grab a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Once he was dressed he sat down and began to think out loud.

"I can't believe the worthless kid from Chino just helped build a model home that could be used in real homes." He said in shock. "This isn't supposed to happen." He said smiling to himself just a little.

"You were never worthless." Ryan jumped up and spun around to see Kirsten.

"I thought I was alone." Ryan whispered then looked down embarrassed. Kirsten walked over to him slowly.

"Why do you think you are worthless?" She asked gently. Ryan just kept looking down.

"I thought I was alone." He repeated softly. Kirsten put her hand on his shoulder. He flinched slightly and she pretended not to notice. She led him over to the bed and they sat down. Ryan was nervous. He hadn't meant for anyone to hear what was said. He wasn't sure what to do.

"Ryan honey, I think today showed you aren't worthless. You never were." She said gently. She wanted to see if he would open up to her. Ryan sighed. He really wanted to tell her but he didn't want the information used against him later. He looked up to her eyes and didn't expect what he saw. He saw nothing but love and compassion and not pity.

"I....well..." He started softly not really sure how to start.

"It's ok Ryan, take your time." She said smiling softly at him. He took a breath.

"It's just....well my mom...she didn't think I would get anywhere." He said softly and Kirsten waited for him to continue. "When she was drunk and a few times when she was sober she had said I was....well...worthless and no good...before my dad went to....before he was taken away, he said it too..... never mind my mom's endless string of boyfriends. after a while, I started to believe them." Ryan said looking down at his hands. Kirsten is surprised he told her that much, hell she doesn't think he has said that much his whole time with them. Kirsten was saddened to hear that people that were supposed to love and protect this boy would say such things to him.

"Well I have news for them. That is not true. You are a wonderful and talented young man. Honestly after hearing that, I'm surprised you were able to turn out so well. To be a caring and loving person." Kirsten said and Ryan looked up at her. He saw she meant her words. He smiled slightly. She loved to see him smile and often wondered if he ever got to smile as a child. She put her arm around him and this time he didn't flinch. In fact this time he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a hug, which she accepted happily.

Ryan was a bit surprised that he was the one that started the hug but when she hugged him back he smiled a little more. He knew she cared about him and that meant more to him then anything. He wished that she was his mom from the start.

"I wish I was too." He heard Kirsten say. Ryan was confused. Had he said that last part out loud? He slowly pulled out of the hug and looked at her. She noticed a little confusion in his eyes.

"What?" He asked.

"You said that you wished I was your mom from the start. I agreed with you." She said realizing that he hadn't meant to say it out loud.

"You mean that?" He said softly trying to read her eyes for any lies but seeing none. She nodded "You would want me as your son?" He said not believing anyone would truly want him.

"Well to be honest, I already think of you as my son. I love you as a son." She said and she noticed his eyes light up a bit. Ryan thought of how his mom said she loved him, but it was only when she needed something. Ryan then thought that's what Kirsten wanted. He looked back down at his hands.

"What's wrong?" She asked him confused.

"It's just...." He trailed off not wanting to hurt her feelings. Kirsten realized what he was thinking.

"Oh, I think I know." She said softly. "You think I want something from you?" She asked. "Did your mom say she loved you only when she needed something?" She asked venturing out to see if he would answer her. He nodded. She was again surprised that he answered. "I don't want anything from you. I just want you to be you. You've given me so much already Ryan, I couldn't ask for anything more." She said and Ryan looked back at her clearly confused.

"What? I mean you have given me so much, I mean what did I give you? I owe you so much." He said wondering what she meant.

"Ryan." She said taking his hands. He looked down at her hands in his and thought how his own mother was never that gentle with him. "You're one of the greatest things I have ever gotten. You, Sandy and Seth and that's more then I can ever ask for." She said and he looked back at her and saw a smile and tears forming in her eyes. For the first time well ever, Ryan felt that someone truly loved him. He hugged her again.

"I...I love you too." He said softly with his face buried in her neck. Kirsten smiled and happy tears rolled down her face. He said he loved her and that filled her with so much happiness that she didn't know what to do. He came 16 years late but he was her second son and no one can take it or him from her.

"Come on honey, let's go inside before Sandy and Seth wonder where we got to." She said and they pulled out of the hug. He quickly tried to wipe some tears that formed in his eyes but she had already seen it although she pretended not to notice. Ryan nodded and they got up and went inside.

"Hey there you are. I was about to go get you." Sandy said smiling a bit.

"Yea guys, I'm starving." Seth said and Ryan and Kirsten could help but bust out laughing. "What I miss?" He asked confused. They shook their heads and sat down to dish out the take out. Seth continued to ramble and Kirsten and Ryan just looked at each other and smiled. Ryan looked around.

He realized for really the first time.....he was loved and....he wasn't worthless.

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Like it? Hate it? tell me and maybe I will write more hehehe 


	5. Tiny Tim

Since I got so many wonderful reviews, I kept going!! So enjoy!  
  
IIIIIIIIIIIIIII  
  
Ryan put his stocking up on the fireplace. Why they needed a fireplace in southern California was beyond him. The stocking was the last of the Chrismukka decorations to go up.  
  
"There. We are finally done." Sandy smiled looking around at his family.  
  
"I'll go get the eggnog. Non-alcoholic of course." Kirsten smiled and went off to the kitchen. Ryan, Sandy, and Seth took seats around the room.  
  
"I love Chrismukka!" Seth exclaimed.  
  
"Tell us something we don't know." Ryan said smiling to show he was joking. Seth threw a pillow at him. Sandy laughed.  
  
"Ok boys here you go," Kirsten said handing out the eggnog. Ryan took a glass and put his head back on the couch trying to relax a little bit. This was his second Christmas...sorry Chrismukka with the Cohen's and he still couldn't believe a holiday could be somewhat a happy event.  
  
IIIIIIIIII  
  
11-year-old Ryan sat watching a Christmas special on television. He wished his Christmases could be somewhat like he saw on TV. Hell Tiny Tim had a better Christmas then he ever had. Christmas was tomorrow and there was a sorry looking tree in the corner decorated with a string of lights, half of which were out, tensile and a few cheap red and green balls. His mom and her boyfriend of the week were out at some party and Trey was no where to be found. He was home alone eating stale crackers watching 'A Christmas Carol'. He didn't mind too much being alone because this way, he wasn't getting his ass kicked for no reason.  
  
Ryan went to bed around 11pm. No one was home yet.  
  
He woke up the next day around 8 am and went in to the living room. Having a small ray of hope that there would be something under the tree for him. He looked but as usual there was nothing under the tree. Ryan slumped his shoulders and put his head down and turned to go into the kitchen. He looked through the refidge and the cabinets and came up empty.  
  
"Merry Christmas Ryan." He said softly to himself. He checked the house and saw his mom and boyfriend passed out in their bedroom. Trey still wasn't home. Ryan went back to the living room and turned on the television.  
  
A Few hours later his mother and her man emerged from the bedroom. Ryan looked over at them and saw them both go for the liquor.  
  
"Merry Christmas Ryan." His mom said to him.  
  
"Yea, Merry Christmas mom." He said back turning to the TV. John, the man of the week, took a seat on the couch.  
  
"Ok hand over the remote." He said to Ryan.  
  
"I'm watching something." Ryan said still looking at the TV.  
  
"I don't care! Hand it over!" John said, his voice raising.  
  
"Let me just finish watching this and you can watch what you want." Ryan said still not taking his eyes away from the movie. John didn't like that answer. He got up and went over to where Ryan was laying on the floor. He picked the boy up by the arm. Ryan was startled and looked up at the man. He could tell John was still somewhat drunk. He hadn't slept it all off.  
  
"I said I want to watch TV now." John said through gritted teeth. Ryan winced as John squeezed his arm hard.  
  
"John, come on. It's Christmas." Ryan heard his mom slur.  
  
"So?" Was John's answer. Ryan was scared but he tried not to let it show. He didn't want to give John the satisfaction. "Tough guy hey?" John said then hit Ryan in the face. Ryan groaned in pain and tried to get away. This pissed John off more. He hit Ryan again, this time in his stomach. Then his back. After a few minutes of this Ryan spoke.  
  
"Please....stop." It came out just above a whisper but John heard him and got on his knee next to him.  
  
"What was that?" He asked with a cocky grin knowing that Ryan was begging him to stop. Ryan closed his eyes.  
  
"Please stop. I'm sorry." He said again and he felt John put his hand on the front of his shirt by the neck and taking it into a fist.  
  
"You better learn your place boy," He said quietly but menacingly. "Next time will be worse." He said getting up and going back to the television. Ryan, still on the floor, opened his eyes and looked from John to his mother. His mother was sitting at the table, head down. She was already passed out. Ryan slowly got up and walked into the bathroom to clean up, then headed to his room where he would stay the rest of the day.  
  
At 8 that night he heard his bedroom window open. He looked over and saw Trey climbing in.  
  
"Hey lil brother." He said. "Why are you sitting in the dark?" The only light coming from a street light. Trey went over and turned the light on. "Shit." Was all he could say after seeing his brothers bruised face. He sat down on the bed and looked at Ryan. "Are you hungry?" Ryan looked up and noticed that Trey was holding a bag. He nodded. Trey handed him a hand burger and some fries. Ryan took it and ate pretty fast.  
  
"Slow down dude." Trey laughed. Ryan just looked at him. "I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you with him." Trey said sadly. Ryan just looked at him.  
  
"It's ok." He said softly, mouth full of food. Trey went over to his bed and laid down.  
  
"Merry Christmas bro." He said wishing it would have been better for him.  
  
"Merry Christmas Trey. Thanks for dinner." Trey nodded falling asleep. Ryan realized he was probably out parting all night. He is surprised Trey even brought him dinner. When he finished eating he threw the wrappers out and went to bed himself. Maybe next year would be better. He could only hope.  
  
IIIIIIIII  
  
Ryan sat watching Seth open his presents.  
  
"All right! The new play station game!" He exclaimed then looked at Ryan. "You and me, game later!" He said and Ryan just smiled and nodded. Seth handed him a smaller box. "Here you go." Seth said smiling.  
  
"You didn't have to." Ryan said and Seth put a hand up signaling Ryan to stop talking and start opening. Ryan opened the box to find a new watch. An expensive watch. "Seth, wow, You really didn't..." He was cut off by Seth.  
  
"Shhhhh....I wanted to and I hope you like it." He said smiling.  
  
"I love it Seth. Thank you." Ryan said giving his brother a hug. The clan continued to open gifts and Ryan was taken back by what they had bought him. New clothes, cd's, his own laptop. It was all too much. Ryan didn't know how to pay them back. He put his new things away in the pool house when Sandy knocked at the door.  
  
"Hey kid."  
  
"Hey Sandy." Ryan said sitting on the bed.  
  
"Have a good day today?" Sandy asked sitting on the chair across from Ryan.  
  
"Yea. It was great." Ryan smiled. "You didn't have to get me all that stuff. I am fine with what I have." He said.  
  
"Psh, it was done cause we wanted to." Sandy said waving his hand. Ryan looked down smiling a little.  
  
"You know" Ryan started and Sandy looked at him, still not used to him starting conversation. "I'm not used to holidays being this good." Ryan stated. "Guess I'm not sure how to react."  
  
"Well, just accept the gifts, like Seth does so eagerly." Sandy laughed and Ryan chuckled. "And there you go." Sandy finished.  
  
"I guess I'm not used to NOT being hurt on Christmas, for as far back as I can remember...I...I always got my ass kicked." Ryan said looking down, glancing up at Sandy here and there. Sandy was thrilled that Ryan was opening up to him and saddened that he never really had a merry Christmas.  
  
"Well Ryan, all I can say is, that will never happen again while you're here." Sandy stated standing up. "Come on. Time to watch 'A Christmas Carol' Family tradition and since you're family you must come and watch." Sandy said as Ryan got up. He put an arm around the teenager and was happy when Ryan didn't pull away like Seth would.  
  
Ryan sat on the couch in between Seth and Kirsten and Sandy sat on the end. Sandy hit play on the DVD.  
  
'Looks like Tiny Tim got his Christmas wish after all.' Ryan thought to himself.  
  
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